FEAR

i've developed a fear for motherhood. all my life i wanted to become a mother. but i also remember how i got cramps every time i saw women give birth on tv or women talk about childbirth and pregnancy. i've never quite understood what makes me that way. but it looks as though i have a deep psychological fear for gestation and child birth.

i am terrified of the growth, the changes and the bulge right now. on others, it looks fascinating. but i get swiftly nervous thinking of trying to play God, creating, when i have no capacity to even be good about a process so special.

i'm terrified. terrified. i cannot pretend to be great about this. i do not have the greatness of womanhood. i'd rather adopt than try to create within me. i am a coward in this, as i have been in everything else in life.