i wonder

i often find myself wondering if you found this blog and hoping you haven't found it, because i don't write for you to discover me here. i write because for some reason, my writing has been dedicated to you completely, last couple of years and i can't seem to find a way to pull myself away from it. maybe it's gradual. maybe it will be a slow process, just like the way i now feel like am beginning to form a deep connection with B. over hours of discussing politics and work, i'm getting addicted to talking to him. it feels like we must be very good friends if we can behave like that- just talk. but i do know that some day we will behave besides friendship. maybe we will start talking love some day. i wonder how i will feel about you then. will i feel guilty loving you and still being with him? will i feel like a drama queen, an opportunist and every name else you call me? i wonder what i have become to you now. i wonder if you ever wonder why i stopped writing poetry.