Anklet

L gave me a new set of payal she bought for herself but no longer wants to wear. I haven't worn any payal for ages. But I wear these ones because it almost feels like a parting gift. Somehow, payals become connected to weddings. Smriti had given me a very pretty payal with green beads the year she was getting married- no, the year she was leaving for the United States. Anyhow, they do find an association with departure.

Payals have all kinds of patriarchal connotations according to feminism. They're supposed to have been invented by men in the Indian society to monitor their women's mobility. As long as the payal is making the tingling-jingle, you know the woman/girl is still in the house. Hmmmm...one could call payals "euphemism" in that sense. Make a girl feel pretty without telling her you are giving her shackles.

But I wore the payal to bed last night, even when I am not in the habit of wearing anything that touches my skin closely, to bed. I noticed how the thin silver string made my ankles took frail and pretty and I didn't care what feminism said about it. But are women pretty only when they are frail? (I find strong women beautiful.)

When I lay in bed, I could feel the silver clinging to my ankles. But I soon forgot about them and thought about impossible you, who refuses to leave, especially at night, even when you have nothing to do with touching my skin.

Nostalgia

everything makes me sad these days.
i can't find the mood to write emails, even though i seem to have begun a series of emails conversations with people. even emails make me sad. i see through the emails, clearly, how much people are made of- all their needs, angst, aches, wants, aspirations, greed, motives, lust- everything. and seeing through people makes me sad. it feels as though at the end of the day, we're all just sad people, who go to bed longing for things that are so beyond reach.
but i just found myself an occupation. am watching Kanchu sleep as I write this and if there's anything called bliss, it's what i feel when i watch her sleeping. it makes me want to capture that tranquility for her always. but i know that someday, Kanchu will also grow old like the other pets i've had and in a reversal of role, i'll be taking care of an old girl, and probably have to watch her die. when i think of all these things, i feel like giving her away, just so that i don't have to watch her suffer, ever.
am thinking maybe it's a good thing you died on me. it can only mean that i can't bother you with anything, anything at all, now that i'm as good as dead. i say death, because that's what people become when you stop thinking of them. even the dead are alive as long as you remember and speak to them.
so it's a good thing i'll never see you grow old, sick and die. it's a good thing you'll never see me grow old, sick and die. if ever there is memory, we will remain confined to memories. and memories are always beautiful, even when you think there are lies, bitterness and betrayal in it. memory is always tinged with the beauty of it not being here anymore.
memory- you'll always be beautiful to me.